On School Shootings

The perpetrators are not monsters, they are deeply wounded human beings and until we address the things that cause human beings to become this deeply wounded, nothing will change. It confuses me that people don’t understand that things like this are signs of a failing society. I don’t pretend to know the answer but the whole damn system needs to be dismantled. Until we have a society that values life over the accumulation of wealth…. I don’t see anything changing.

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Heaven on Earth

yesterday took me for a ride
through the twisty dark spirals of my mind
until I was convinced
you’d be better off if I left you all behind
but then I remembered that I am God
and this was meant to be our story all along
I am the map
and you’re the key
my stillness
high priestess energy
holding space
until you are able to see
you are the magician
because you are worthy
when you take a step
accept your crown
divine wisdom flows
guidance surrounds
the path clear
the battle already won
bringing the world
new earth
heaven under Earth’s Sun

Burdensome Me

The worst part about living with chronic illness is not that you feel like a burden. It’s that you are one.

Not being able to physically do the things that adults are expected to be able to do, combined with accommodations needing to be made for symptoms often leaves you feeling like you are nothing more than a burden.

Should you break down and allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to admit that you are not in fact fine and that you feel this way…. Like a burden….Those closest to you will ensure you that you are not. They’ll tell you all of the reasons that they love you and how they are glad you are in their lives but then…..

When they believe that you are in fact fine and forget about how hard you struggle everyday just being alive….. They complain about all of the reasons that you feel like a burden to begin with. They’re too cold….They don’t want to leave so late or so early for that outing…..They want to eat at that place that only serves food you can’t eat …

And once again all you can see is how you are nothing but in the way and you absolutely are a burden.

What do you do…

when you have to depend on your abuser for survival? When you can no longer cower in fear but every damn time you stand up for yourself you risk losing all that you have? What do you do when you are the mirror but she will never accept her reflection?

Go Fund Mold

I keep thinking about making a go fund me page.

And then I don’t.

The situation seems too hard to explain. And of course that would mean asking for help. I’ve never been good at asking for help. I struggle.

Hard.

There are so many people struggling with so many things. Why should anyone help me when they could help someone else instead? But then again, I’m not in any position to help anyone unless I’m able to heal and I need help to do that. Ugh…I go round and round.

So, what exactly is that situation, you ask? *Sigh* healing from mold illness.

Here’s the deal, I’ve been sick for over nine years. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome almost a decade ago. In the early days of my illness I was bed bound. I spent three years in bed. I was so sick my ex husband sometimes had to dress me because I didn’t have the energy to lift my arms on my own.

At some point, I started doing a lot of research and with treatment from some more holistic doctors and my own interventions, I started to heal. For a few years, I continually improved and then I plateaued. I continued researching and working on healing but no forward movement.

Almost three years ago, I found out that I was pregnant. My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me but pregnancy and taking care of an infant/toddler do not mix well with chronic illness and my health has made a steep decline prompting me to again seek intervention.

Enter mold, the missing piece of the puzzle. Discovering mycotoxins in my body and looking into mold illness, suddenly the pieces fit. Symptoms that I couldn’t make sense of suddenly made sense and a sense of hope in healing had been restored. There was something I could do.

Get out of the mold. Get the mold out of my body. Heal whatever damage that is left.

*Sigh*

If only it were that easy. The reality of trying to get out of the mold alone is proving difficult to say the least. That’s where the go fund me would come in.

Options for getting out of the mold include remediation of our house, or moving out of the house.

initially we had decided to remediate but the house needs a lot of work. A LOT. Should we remediate, we would end up with a mortgage as big as if we moved to still be in a house that isn’t big enough (my son shares a room with me, which is fine now. He’s only two but he’s only going to get bigger. And there is no room to play…. This house is tiny.) and in an unsafe neighborhood (we’ve had multiple shootings around our house, there are multiple drug dealers in the apartments across the street, a prostitute that works in the church parking lot behind our house, everytime there is a car accident the occupants of the car run because they are either intoxicated or have warrants and my partner and his friend were held up at gunpoint sitting in a van on the street. It wasn’t a bad neighborhood when my parents bought this house, it is now).

That leaves moving.

We discussed getting me my own place (I live with my parents, not sure if I mentioned that)but rent is ridiculous, and all the low income options had three to five year waiting lists. Even if that wasn’t the case, I am unable to live on my own until I’ve done some significant healing. I am too sick to complete the daily tasks of living on my own on an ongoing basis.

So, we’ve decided to buy a new house.

Oh my God, if you are not trying to buy a house right now, I don’t even know how to explain the current housing market. Houses that just a few years ago were selling for 70 – 100,000 are going for 2-300,000 now. The two houses we’ve put offers on were listed at 210,000 and sold for over 280,000. It’s insane.

We can only afford to offer $250,000 and it’s becoming increasingly clear that it’s going to be extremely hard if not impossible to get a house at that price. Between the lack of houses for sale (that’s why they are selling for so much. There are way more potential buyers than there are available houses), the fact that we can’t even consider any house the has any signs of mold and the bidding wars that happen over any house that isn’t falling down… We need more money.

That’s why I start thinking about making a Go Fund Me….. But then I don’t.

Can I really ask people for monetary help? I’m uncomfortable asking for help period. And if I did, how much would I ask for? We need at least $50,000 just to make us a contender in the bidding wars. On top of that, everything we own has to be properly cleaned or disposed of when we move. Most porus items will need to be thrown out, including clothes and furniture. We’ll need to replace most of our belongings. And then there’s the thing that I keep trying not to even think about because I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it….. The actual healing. I will need to detox (my whole family will. While I’m the only person who is severely ill, both of my parents show signs of mild toxicity and I’ve recently discovered that a few symptoms that my son has, that doctors have been unable to explain but have sent him both to a cardiologist and a neurologist, are symptoms of mold exposure) and then heal the damage that is left behind. That will likely take multiple practitioners, none of whom take insurance, and several years. That’s a lot of money. I couldn’t ask for the amount we need. Literally anything would help but…..

I’m feeling a bit desperate. I need to get out of this house like now but how? I’m tired of being sick. Nine years of constant debilitating illness and there is something that can be done and money is the thing standing in the way. *Sigh* I want to live a full life. I want to live period. I had to wait twenty years to get my son, I want to stick around long enough to raise him. I want to have enough energy to be the Mom he deserves. And most importantly, I don’t want his life his health to be affected by illness in the way mine has been.

So….Go Fund Me….

I don’t know.

See here for a list of mold illness symptoms.

Hypocritical Oath

My sister, a woman with no mental health or chronic illness diagnoses, goes to the doctor because she is having heart palpitations.

Doctor, listens to her heart, performs an EKG and explains that because the palpations weren’t happening during the test she doesn’t know for sure what’s happening and refers her to a cardiologist.

________________________

Me, a woman with mental health and chronic illness diagnoses, goes to the doctor because I’m having stabbing pain in my chest and heart palpitations.

Doctor, listens to my heart, says it sounds fine and proceeds to admonish me for not having been to their office in a few years.

I explain about my chronic illness and that I had been seeing a specialist in that area on a regular basis.

He tells me that at the time of my last appointment my blood tests had come back positive for mono so of course I would have been feeling really sick at that time and that it’s dangerous not to have seen a doctor in so many years.

I stated that again I had been practically living at the other doctor’s office and started to explain that I did not have mono at the time of the blood test. I had mono in tenth grade and every time I have a flare Epstein Barr becomes reactivated in my system and that I test positive for mono most of the time. But I was interrupted so I didn’t even bother, it’s not worth the time and effort.

Doc then tells me that I really should be on medication for my Bipolar Disorder.

I say that I don’t have Bipolar Disorder.

He says that it’s in my chart.

I tell him that I know but I’ve never been diagnosed with Bipolar and as near as I can tell someone at some point saw my diagnosis of BPD and misinterpreted it as Bipolar instead of Borderline Personality Disorder, that I had been diagnosed with BPD but no longer meet the requirements for that diagnosis.

He proceeds to tell me that I know myself better than him but he really thinks that I should consider medication because Bipolar Disorder tends to get worse with time.

I thanked him for his opinion and again stated that I do not have nor have I ever been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and left, so glad that heart issues were taken seriously.

(Side note – Many doctors have mentioned the Bipolar Diagnosis in my chart and when I explain what happened they usually just move onto something else. This was not removed until I was pregnant with my son. My OB brought it up, I explained and he removed it. Apparently, any of those doctors could have removed it. None of them did because none of them believed me.)

Failing

shudder shake
release in snot and tears
this burden I shoulder
but never truly allow
immensity unfelt
throw on another boulder
let me lighten your load
my heart weakens
with each step
but nevermind my declining health
it’s not for you to see
only me
and what about the mother
I need to be?
discarded dismantled
by lack in energy

Subliminal Ads in YouTube Videos

I allow my almost two year old son to watch videos on YouTube. Not because I want him watching TV or even because I think that it’s ok that he’s watching. Personally, I wish we didn’t have a television at all but…

We live in a society that prides itself on autonomy above all things, leaving most of us with very little support or resources. Basically each family left to fend for it’s own.

I am not technically a single mother but life is complicated and I basically live like I am. 99% of the care of my son is my sole responsibility. It is exhausting. Add to that my chronic illness and left to fend for my own, I’m barely surviving. So… YouTube videos it is

This is something that while I try and work to accept, makes me feel angry. I feel like I don’t get to choose how I raise my child….

Today though, I’m not just angry, I’m livid.

It appears that there are subliminal messages in YouTube videos. I don’t know if it’s all videos. I don’t know if it’s creators or YouTube itself inserting the messages. Here’s what I do know.. .

My son was watching a video on my phone while I got dressed after our bath. He asked me for help and handed me the phone. The video has gotten stuck between frames and there was a message about stressing over your beach body. I didn’t get to read exactly what it said because it got unstuck and disappeared when the screen rotated.

This message was obviously aimed at mom’s but what other messages are they hiding? On YouTube and where else?

I am absolutely nauseated.